You Can’t Drive Like a Jerk and Call It a Skill

When Did We Forget How to Drive?

My wife and I were driving to our daughter’s house last weekend on a main expressway in Miami. It had been raining quite hard for days as it was during our drive. Since I was law enforcement as well as a police driving instructor, I knew full well what could happen to a car on wet roads, crash dynamics, and how to drive accordingly. The law and prudence state that you should slow down to a safer speed for the conditions you are in, so as not to lose control of your vehicle, right? Not in Miami, and I’m sure in most of the country’s congested areas it’s the same. The speed limit for this highway, known to locals as that parking lot called the Palmetto Expressway, is 55 mph in all lanes, and there is no such thing as a Speed Lane. But cars were passing us in the rain at 70-plus, weaving and tailgating. What did we come across? The Florida Highway Patrol handling a crash where the car lost control and spun into the wall. Why? Because the driver thought he was Formula-1, four-time World Champion Max Verstappen, in his race car with full-wets (tires) that you can drive at 150 in the rain. 

You see, the driving laws here seem to be a mere suggestion to our motoring public, and many drive anyway they please, endangering the rest of us. This seems to be the norm in metropolitan areas. Everyone is in a rush to go nowhere. Whereas, in the more rural areas, drivers are laid back and courteous to others, it is a pleasure to drive in those parts. But in Miami-Dade County, South Florida, really, drivers suck! Yes, I am going to go on a rant and take an excerpt out of my book, The Real Greatest Show on Earth, where I dedicated a chapter to Traffic Stops and Driving Habits, because it was so prominent in our profession. I will inject some of our Cop Humor (CH), so buckle your seatbelt! Pun intended. I think I’ve earned it.  

Most cops around the country will likely say that the people who live there are terrible drivers, and Miami is no different. I’ve got to say that I think, and I’m not alone, that we have some of the worst drivers in the country. I don’t know what it is, but people get behind the wheel, and it’s as if they are the only ones in the universe at that moment. My former partner, Sgt. Tom Gilligan, and he’s not on a Three-Hour Tour, likes to call them Tiggers, because “I’m the only one!” And no one else matters.

You would think that by their actions, they believe they own the f**k*ng road and can drive any way they want. Well, folks, I’ll say it for my colleagues everywhere: No, you don’t! You can’t drive, cutting other people off, speeding, as if you are the most important person in the world that has to get there, and that you are God’s gift to the highways. You’re not, I repeat not, but, “I’m an Excellent Driver,” Rain Man! It’s not about you. It’s about all of us on the road. You are just a piece of a potentially hazardous puzzle, and your actions can have an enormous impact on the rest of us should you decide to drive like an a**hole and endanger everyone around you.

When I’m driving, whether it’s my personal vehicle or even when I still drove my Green & White, I would activate my turn signal, asking and advising that I need to change lanes. Firstly, you’re supposed to by law; secondly, I’m letting the drivers behind me know that I need to come over and soon. My wife tells me that no one is going to let me in. I hate hearing that, but I won’t change, and sadly, she’s right, most won’t. You suck. I let people in all of the time. What f**king hurry am I in? None, that’s what, I’ll get there when I get there.

So what do many selfish drivers do? They speed-the-f**k-up so I can’t change lanes! Now, why the Hell do you need to do that? Need to get to the next light or make sure you stay ahead of me for no damned reason whatsoever? It must be a competitive thing because I can’t figure it out. If any of you don’t let the driver change lanes when they signal their intent to, then all I can say is that you’re a d#ck!  I don’t know what else to say. And while I’m on this particular issue, if someone does let you merge in, the least you can do is wave and say “Thank you” to the driver. Don’t be ungrateful, it’s bad form.     

I do know that it’s an attitude thing. How you think, feel, act, and your outlook on life dictate how you are behind the wheel. Change your attitude and be courteous to everyone around you, you selfish prick! If this upsets you, then maybe I struck a nerve. Is it you I’m talking about? If it is, take a look in the mirror and become a more courteous driver. Maybe, just maybe, you won’t cause the crash that takes a loved one’s life.

And another couple of things while I’m on my rant; Ladies, wake the-Hell-up 10 minutes earlier and put your damned make-up on AT HOME! What is wrong with you? You can’t drive while looking in the rear-view mirror and putting on eyeliner. You can’t! I don’t care what you believe about your driving skills. It’s distracted driving, even worse than being on the phone. Maybe when you tap the bumper of the car ahead of you, then perhaps it will dawn on you.

And do some of you think that you can put down the phone for 10 frigg’n seconds while you back your car into that parking space? Apparently not! I’ve watched countless times people stay on that all-important, can’t hang up, the president is calling me phone call, and put the car in reverse, back up one foot, put it in drive, go forward one foot, back and forward, back and forward, taking as much as a minute to do what should have taken FIVE seconds!  PUT DOWN THE PHONE!!!  I’m done!  Woosah!      

A Little Quip on Stop Signs

I’d like to talk about “The California Roll,” and I don’t mean sushi. You may have also heard this referred to as “The Hollywood Roll” or “Hollywood Stop,” but they all mean the same thing. Someone slowed and rolled through the Stop Sign, having never fully stopped where they were supposed to. In some cases, where there is very light traffic or perhaps in the wee hours, we may not care, but it does give us a reason to stop you and check you out. If you do the roll and say to us, “But officer, I slowed down,” I will just offer this little story. An officer stops a car that rolled through a Stop Sign. Upon stopping the driver and informing him of the failure to stop completely, the driver says, “But officer, I slowed down!” The officer then takes out his baton and begins striking the driver and asks, “Now, do you want me to stop or do you want me to slow down?”  Reminder, this is CH (Cop Humor).  Here ends the lesson.

Excuses, Excuses!

As you can well imagine, upon initiating a traffic stop, an officer might hear a myriad of explanations or, better put, excuses, as to why the driver might have committed the violation or violations (plural), as many times there is more than one. I wish that I had written them all down over the years because they would have filled a book by themselves. I’ll end my Op-Ed Rant with some of the classics, and I think I’ll begin with the obvious first one, and this will be full of (CH).

“I didn’t know.” Ok, maybe you didn’t, and that’s fine. We will enlighten you. But after you say you didn’t know and we tell you, don’t argue that you didn’t do it when you just said that you didn’t know. Uh?  

Here’s one we hear all of the time: “I’m late for work!” So is everyone else! 

“I didn’t see you back there.” So it would have been ok if I hadn’t been back there? 

“I’m not from around here.” Stop signs must be different where you’re from, mmm.

“I’m lost, officer.” Then abruptly going from the far right lane across three lanes, cutting off other traffic, is ok in your state?

“I’m sorry, officer, I knew I was speeding and you’re only doing your job.” Depending on how much you were speeding, you might get off. If you were doing say, 95 in a 55, we’re going to call bullsh*t on it, and sorry isn’t going to cut it. Passing cars like they were standing still should have been a clue as to your driving at warp speed, Mario!

“I didn’t know how fast I was going.” So I can write whatever I want on the ticket?

“I pay your salary!” (A perennial favorite) Here’s your tax dollars at work, sign here!

“It wasn’t me!” Yes, it was!

“I’m going to sh*t myself!” Ok, that’s happened to me. You’re free to go. Drive safely!

“But everyone else was speeding, officer.” I can only catch one fish at a time.

“We’re having a baby right now!” I escorted them to South Miami Hospital.

“It’s a medical emergency!’ Ok, let me call Fire Rescue, and they’ll be here in 5 minutes. “No wait, I was lying.” Ticket!

DUI: “I only had 5 beers, officer.” Put your hands behind your back, moron.”

And the best parting shot: “I’ll see you in court!” Great! You have to take off work, and I get paid overtime!

By the way, “What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The BMW has the pricks on the inside!” (CH) That’s just me.